Hi there! No coffee, thanks. What I wanna know is,
what've you got in the way of fancy-schmancy root
beer? Oh goody - that'll be fine. Thanks. Where is
everybody? What'd you do to scare off all the
customers? Just kidding. Bored out of your mind, eh?
Well, let me tell you about my day. If that's okay,
that is. Okey dokey then.
Amber, eh? Well, Amber, the name's Ike Renard. Yep,
the real estate guy. You've seen my name on signs
around town, eh?
So I've got this warehouse downtown. In the artsy-fartsy
area, mind you. Thing's been empty for years to the
point where I gave up hope I'd ever unload it. So
this guy Nick Newman calls me up to ask for a
showing. Sure, I've heard of him - did a couple of
parking ramps for his dad in the nineties. Really
turned out to be nice-looking parking ramps - but I
digress. Back to the story: so I meet the guy out
front and he's very excited. I'm talking
mega-excited. With his greasy hair and being so
hyper I thought for a minute he might be a druggie
looking for a place to house his lab or something.
What, now? Yeah, I saw that on 20/20 too.
So I take him in the building which quite frankly I
am a little embarrassed of because it's not much to
look at and it's - shall we say - not in the
greatest of shape. We're talking 90,000 square feet
of pretty much nothing. There's been some water
damage from the ice dams and a couple of PVC pipes
that burst during that blizzard, which was a royal
pain in the kiester. It's freezing in there because
of the suspended gas unit heaters that only give out
bursts of heat, so unless you're literally right
under a vent you're up a creek. You'd have to be
bundled up to the gills to spend more than ten
minutes in there. Be that as it may, it's even worse
in the summertime because with the three-phase
wiring and 120 volt electricity you can't have a
decent AC. I don't know how anybody can stand it.
I'd be sweating my pants off!
So I'm trying to tell him all this, not to lessen
his interest but just to make sure he understands
that there's a lotta work to be done, and he's
walking around not listening to me and making little
noises. He interrupts me to say how much he loves
the flooring and I have to inform him it's asbestos
tile. Not to mention the pipes are wrapped with
asbestos. He says he loves the exposed pipes and at
this point I'm thinking, this guy is not all there.
So I ask the guy what he plans to do with the space,
thinking maybe storage or I don't know, paintball or
something. Turns out he wants to open up an office
there for some online magazine with three other
people. Now I am not up on the local gossip but I
have to tell you, these names ring a bell. It seems
to me that Nick used to be married to Sharon Abbott
and now he's married to Jack's ex-wife Phyllis,
which is the most convoluted situation I've heard in
recent history. It's like "Bob and Carol and Ted and
Alice". What? Really? Never even heard of it? Huh.
No, you're too young, I guess. Long story short: a
bunch of partner-swapping. Right.
Yeah sure, I'll have a refill. Thanks, "kiddo". So
I'm telling the guy that I've had a skylight broken
by some wandering creatures and he asks me if I mean
raccoons or whatnot, and I say no, I mean vandals! I
mean, this is just off downtown! And the building
isn't up to code for handicap access either. And,
two of the emergency exits are stuck because of some
shifting over the years that messed up the frames.
Does any of this faze the guy? Is he grasping the
concept of what it's gonna take to make this place
an office? No! I tried to tell him. Irregardless,
he's got visions of sugarplums dancing in his head.
What? Yes, I know "irregardless" isn't a real word.
What are you, my daughter? Heh. Four of them,
actually, thanks for asking, but none of them live
here anymore.
So I was a little leery of drawing up the papers
because I sincerely doubt this business partnership
will last more than a month if you know what I mean.
I can just see those women PMS-ing big time and you
know how that goes. People are gonna be hiding under
their desks. Ex-wives working with ex-husbands
married to their exes! Bad news bears.
So the guy doesn't care about the mold problems or
the environmental liability or any of that. He wants
his deed and he wants it now. I figure I warned the
guy. It's not my problem if an underground tank
settles and the floors all crack. It's his deal now.
The point? Well, there isn't really any point but if
I had to say, the point would be that I don't
recommend you looking for a job there if you value
your health.
And with that, I'm off. Thanks for the service,
"kiddo". No, you keep it, you deserve it. What's
that? "Two dollars?" Just like Better Off Dead!
Ahhhh. I love that movie. Well, toodle-oo!
Editor's note: Liza is a struggling freelance writer
who gives her talent at no cost to the Genoa City
News. If you like her work and would like to
contribute to her cause, please send a donation
directly to Liza by clicking the PayPal button
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