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Dear Mr. Kellogg,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Prudence Van Horne. I am a retired second-grade teacher who lives a simple and tidy life with my cat, "Skitters", and my parakeet, "Pootie Pie". I have never felt comfortable with our family surname, because the latter part of it sounds similar to a term for "gratuitous sexual arousal" that I understand is common in the parlance of our times. But it is my family's name, and so I bear it. I mention this because I want to make it clear that I am the sort of person who does not condone the tomfoolery and crassness of today's society.

It has come to my attention that my niece, Liza Van Horne, has been writing for your Web Site, so I felt compelled to watch an episode of the show called The Young and the Restless to see what she was commenting upon. I was a tad taken aback at the title itself, as if youth and restlessness are admirable traits toward which respectable adults should aspire. Then I perused your Web Site on the Internet and have never been quite so appalled. That you are the purveyor of such filth is astounding to me, and sir, I do not know how you are able to sleep at night.

This "show" (if I may refer to such trash as anything other than trash) is frankly a despicable orgy of lies, adultery, greed, betrayal, selfishness and fornication. I cannot imagine who watches such a thing, let alone writes about it. My niece, who has never grown to be the fine young lady we all hoped for, now lives with a politically liberal atheist who incidentally is not her husband. I can only assume she is of a similar ilk. Despite this, I was shocked by the profanity and vulgarity of her so-called "style reports". She used to be such a nice girl. Well, when she was three. I distinctly remember that charming dance recital I attended, performed to the song entitled "On, Wisconsin", which indicated to me a certain level of civic pride.

Returning to my originally expressed concern, Liza would be better serving her audience by drawing their attention to the flagrant display of bare necks, ears, ankles, elbows and knees on this pornographic television program. I am deeply concerned that this show appears to be run by Satanists, as well. I witnessed some sort of ritual orgy on Thursday in which various townspeople had gathered at a location that serves coffee, which as you may know tends to drive people to frenetic and lewd behaviors. I saw all manner of Satanic imagery being casually displayed, the worst being actual replicas of human skulls being used as candle holders. What kind of occult gathering was taking place? A homecoming for an apparent murderer. Is this where we get our family values?

I did not approve of the clothing being worn by the townspeople. The garments worn by the young ladies were befitting only a parlor of ill repute, yet were worn in public in the middle of the day. Have they no sense of modesty? One young man had caused his hair to point in a myriad of different directions and was wearing ladies' cosmetics, which I found deeply disturbing. I can only assume this show promotes homosexuality. As does coffee.

It appeared that several couples were engaged in public displays of affection worthy only of an ancient Roman bath house. If one is going to hold the hand of a suitor in public, one should wear gloves, at the very least. I believe I spied one couple kissing with the use of their tongues, which I find to be a wholly deviant practice and also unhygienic, to say the least. Who will want to marry them after such exhausting goings-on? Disgusting.

This repulsive show is bad enough, but that you allow - nay, encourage - my niece to write such profane material is giving me a fit of the vapors. I had such high hopes for her in her second marriage to that nice farm boy from Iowa who very commendably never wanted to have carnal relations with her. When she divorced him, I was shocked and saddened. And now it seems that through your website, she is allowed to be publicly crude and lascivious in her writing. For shame, Mr. Kellogg. For shame.

I hope that you will encourage Liza to write good, wholesome pieces instead of these foul columns. And might I suggest to you that in lieu of watching this awful television program, you instead spend an hour or two at the piano playing rousing Sousa marches. Not only do they lift the spirits but are also beneficial to digestion, particularly if you are prone to breaking wind.

Good day, sir.

Sincerely,

Prudence Van Horne

 
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