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by Kelley Jarvis
October 27, 2009

If I could turn back time... No, I'm not going to wear the skimpy outfit Cher wore in her video and perform this tune, but it might be a better way to spend my time than watching some of this pre-chewed, regurgitated fodder. On Monday's episode of Y&R, Paul Williams bemoaned the fact that he isn't able to turn back the hands of time. You're in good company, Paul, several viewers would love to be able to turn back time and return to the days when the show had talented scribes.

Someone at Bell Productions, CBS and Sony should make it mandatory that new writers for this show should make themselves familiar with the history of the program and some of the storylines from the past. This wouldn't be an impossible task. Anyone with at least half a functioning brain could visit Wikipedia and get a rundown on the goings on in fictional Genoa City from the inception of the show to present times.

Perhaps if the current writers who have fecaliths for brains would be able to sit down and really, gasp, think about continuity of storylines, not repeating past mistakes in storylines that died on the vine or storylines that should have been pitched into the trash, GCNews readers would be able to extend the lives of their TiVos and DVR machines. Most people are wearing out their fast forward buttons to zoom past several minutes worth of small screen crap. Before I go any further, I should explain what a fecalith is. This thing is a hard, solid, mass formed around a core of fecal material.

Have the scribes burned out their last collective brain cells, making them unable to come up with new names for characters? What's up with naming Patty's physician Dr. Pee? Instead of a psychologist, wouldn't that be a better name for a urologist? Let me guess, that goofy little trickster Patty is in fact impersonating her doctor. Given how slowly things move, Mr. Kitty would have great-grandkittens by the time someone figures this out onscreen. Damn, that's good, suspenseful writing!

Sorry to say, this may very well be the writers' idea of a story for November Sweeps that will pull in hundreds of viewers. This could only take place if every Y&R fan willing gave himself or herself lobotomies. The whole Dr. Pee saga will make dizzy Izzy Williams' stunt with stealing blood and framing Christine "Bug" Blair for murder look like Masterpiece Theater.

Fans could interact with this sorry excuse for writing by playing the infamous drinking game, but with a twist. Every time a storyline is laughably bad, the player could take a drink. The problem is that people would be bombed before the show reached the half-hour mark and hangovers could get in the way with people's functioning properly on the job.

Since turning back time isn't possible, I have an idea on how to help the quality of the writing for Y&R. A good, albeit nontraditional physician could help the scribes do their work better by finding a neural enema to get rid of those nasty fecaliths and flush them from the cobwebs of the writers' minds.

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