Week of 02.24.03

Friday

After placing Medicare patients on the back burner so that more important and wealthy patients could have their medical needs attended to, Liz Foster's brain surgeon returned to Genoa City late this week, cut a quick kickback deal with Bayer and then alerted the Foster brothers it was time to do some serious slicing and dicing on that thing eating away at their mother's head. More

God knows all Cassie Newman probably needs is an expensive Eli Lily drug and a few brain-numbers to make it through the next 48-hours given she's getting the worse care anywhere. But studies have shown that 'willing' is faster than praying or medical science and makes a huge difference in how patients admitted to the God Have Mercy Center 4 Disease survive. If there's a single teenager out there anywhere in Genoa City who actually never died after being submerged for two hours well, something is deeply wrong. More

Thursday

On the highly probable chance that nobody cares and would not in the least be shocked to read in the tabloids that Victor Newman is in the middle of another war between the women he's loved and lost and found again and cares for and had children with, Ashley Carlton's primary concern was with the mockery it would make of her precious baby's life and how Nikki Newman could be so selfish. More

Liz Foster, fast becoming widely considered to be one of those obnoxious people who you look at and despite your more benign and enlightened awareness of soul paths and life-lessons, you can't help yourself and you just want to see the woman strung up by her sagging breasts and beaten with pointy painful sticks by swarms of giddy orphans and then dipped in rubbing alcohol and fed to fire ants, considers Jill Abbott's quest to find her real parents nothing more than a "fools mission." More

Wednesday

For the evil deeds she committed directly and indirectly against Jabot Cosmetics one-woman skunk oil lab director Ashley Carlton, washed-up helmet hair model Dru Winters has been rewarded with another chance to kick start her failed career by representing a new line of skunk oil for African-American teens. Jabot stockholders say privately they worry about the new venture as, at last count, there were only about two African-American teens in Genoa City and neither of them is likely to be impressed by a thirty-something woman pushing products for teens. Michael Kelly reports

Tuesday

Had Olivia Winter's kinky sex shenanigans ended when she gave her blessing to Brad Carlton's reconciliation with his wife the damage could have been contained had she found a man not remotely connected to her family members. More

What if a woman obviously wearing a wig, sunglasses and talking with a bad Southern drawl came to your apartment one day posing as a parole officer, asked questions about your incarcerated husband and after not being shown any identification and thinking how absolutely freaky the woman was you showed her the door and then worried for two weeks who the woman was and what no good she might be up to. More

Because this is just how sick and repulsing and incestuous they are, the Winters clan must have thought that what they did Tuesday in some way benefited the universe, added to the collective good and upped the vibration of the planet as their work to provide a moral example to the children goes on. More

Monday

When One Hung Lo Corp, distributor of the Jabot Cosmetics anti-aging wrinkle cream warned first-quarter results will fall below projections because winter weather conditions inhibit the cream from sticking to the skin of older Hong Kongers, Nikki Newman rushed to the concrete island to put out the fire. More

What goes around comes around in spades for washed-up model Dru Winters when her sister and boy toy stick long knives deep into her back. More

As Nick Newman's adopted daughter clung to life the constipated hyena waited by the gravesite trying to drag his father back down to the steaming reeking hell pit from whence they had spawned. More

Week of 02.17.03

Friday

Certain that her modeling career is over and that she's a washed-up over the hill helmet hair shellacked faced woman past her prime, Dru Winters may have to accept the fact she was meant to be barefoot and pregnant. Unless, that is, her sister's best pal and Ashley Carlton's brother can come up with an idea for yet another line of skunk oil for African-American women. More

Tragic as it may have been had it not been so damn funny, Cassie Newman was expected to live after falling into an icy pond and rushed hours later in a speeding helicopter to the God Have Mercy center for disease where quacks were unable to state her condition preferring instead to have the patient tell them herself when she woke up. More

Thursday

Upset that Michael Baldwin is preventing her from saving the marriage she walked out on, dizzy Izzy Williams paid a visit Thursday to the one friend she has in life, Diane Jenkins. More

Jill Abbott, snarling anti-cultural sex-viper and general universal karmic urticant, was to join Larry 'Wartman' Warton in the Private Dining room for the first ever 'bed & fed' ceremony which would make all sexually repressed everywhere cry and wish she and her hunkmonkey had remained in her cave, happily munching raw baby seal meat and watching reruns of "The Bachelor," as monkey-demons rubbed her bunions. Michael Kelly reports

After dorking around and wasting valuable time, Nick Newman and noted black-souled hunk of shriveled quivering slug-bait, remembered Thursday that his precious adopted daughter was waiting to speak with him about why her mother had abandoned the family. But where was Cassie Newman and did she have on her mermaid breathing apparatus? More

Wednesday

Jabot Cosmetics executive and 20-percent shareholder in the company, Jill Abbott, is expected to announce soon that she will launch an investigation into the whereabouts and/or identity of her biological parents. More

Besides the total morons in this city, what person would say to another they thought had undergone brain surgery only hours ago, "It's good to see you looking so well after your surgery." More

Tuesday

Enjoy the sensation of having your very soul ripped though your toenails while screaming spider monkeys administer angry leeches to your trembling sense of joy? Watch any scene involving Dizzy Izzy Williams, Michael Baldwin, detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams yammering about that damn crusader Bug and female coupling the two male dinkwads find so compelling they have nothing better to do than fight over the critter while anointing their pulsing brains with much heaping karmic love. More

Totally uninterested in being at her adopted mother's side during one of the most serious times in Liz Foster's life, Jill Abbott was more interested in having sex than that thing growing in Mrs. Foster's head!  More

Confessing she is a failure as both a wife and a mother not to mention a human being, Sharon Newman didn't have the ovaries to tell her estranged family in person that she had left town. Instead, she sent one of those talking letters. More

Monday

The highlight of Diego Guittierez's brief stay in Genoa City might have had some sense of credibility had it not been for the fact he had stooped to tracking down big manly monosyllabic troglodytes because the trailer-park bestiality porn just wasn't doin' it anymore and he had to do something besides bang the Newman girls. More

Blaming herself for crossing the line, Sharon Newman whimpered and shook her head Monday causing massive boulders to roll back and forth. Gosh, could it be her husband was upset by a little old kiss? More

Colleen Carlton and J.T Hellstrom are desperately looking for some shred of romantic love because otherwise they'd have to be Glow Worms and everyone knows how colon retching that is. Besides, it was Valentine's Day and J.T. would probably have been at the strip club had Colleen not been floating on this thin veneer of earnest romantic belief. More

Week of 02.10.03

Friday

Because Sharon Newman has been reduced to dry humping the garden hose, she welcomed Diego Guittierez with open arms Friday when he appeared at the Newman outhouse to ask for help making contact with her sister-in-law. More

That strange chill deep in the heart, like an ice pick straight to the eye, fingernails across the chalkboard, felt Friday in Genoa City was merely the dark storm clouds of sadness and savage spiritual pain settling in over the collective soul again as the oozing with hate Dr. Olivia Winters, that annoying fornicator Brad Carlton and shriveled remnants of Ashley Carlton's worm-gnawed soul, praised the joy and happiness. More

Thursday

Is this the notoriously and infamously obnoxious quasi-drama and really sad sort of cult following not to mention much general rectal-cringing you tuned in for? More

Reliable sources tell the GCN that yet another tragedy is about to strike the Newman family. No, it's not that the dumbest woman on the planet, Sharon Newman, will be packing up and moving off her personal gold mine known as the Newman ranch. That, is the good news. Something far more sinister and shocking is about to happen. More

Wednesday

Is Ashley Carlton so bizarre and desperately unsettling to look at, terminally bland and uninteresting and such a tragic elf-like tweakhead she's unable to find a friend within her own social group? More

Begging and kowtowing and generally making as ass out of herself, Diane Jenkins pleaded Wednesday for a chance to say good-bye to her son. And again the gods cried at the absurdity of it all as the defeated woman told the baby he would be going to a "wonderful" home where he would have an all important "family" and that he should be, "a good boy for your daddy." More

Tuesday

Jack Abbott wanted it. Neil Winters wants it and Paul Williams has asked for it. A chance to move on with their lives so that they can be a family. But for all the moving they only go backwards. More

Those ravenous Abbott wolves love nothing more than to eviscerate surrounding enemies and throttle members of their own family for no other reason than to expand their power base. That's exactly why Jack and Phyllis Abbott were savoring the impending total defeat of Diane Jenkins on Tuesday. Forget the damn baby. It means nothing to them. The child is just a pawn in the Abbott's never ending war.  More

That those closest to her stood within inches of the godawful wig and sunglasses Christine 'Bug' Blair wore upon her return to Genoa City and listened to a bad Southern drawl that even the ripest of Southerners found hard to believe and did not know by the body odor that this was the original creepy crawling crusader Bug, has ruined whatever hope there may have been to make something out of a nothing plot. More

Monday

To prove he's a vile and barbarous pipsqueak and should have his little testicles stapled to a large log which is then shoved down a raging river before impaling them on sharp pointy sticks of painful retribution, Nick Newman committed a hate crime against his own father. Is this what Genoa City has come to? More

Pumping poison directly into Ashley Carlton's port for chemotherapy injections, Dru Winters tried to convince the World's second dumbest woman on Monday that they should put their differences aside and be pals. More

Yes, it's true. Olivia Winters has deep feelings for Brad Carlton but he's a married man and never mind that Nathan Hastings' life was made a living hell when she found out he was screwing Keisha Monroe while married to her. It's a similar situation but not at all the same. More

Week of 02.03.03

Friday

Convinced that not a single person, especially the two men closest to her, can see straight through that god-awful disguise she's wearing or the thickest of Southern accents, Christine 'Bug' Blair vowed Friday to press on with her dog and pony show. More

Just the freakiest barometer of the human condition, Neil Winters could only wonder why the sex fiends were using his sofa as a love nest when his bed was so much softer and had that special smell. More

Hearing Nick Newman call his father a "sick bastard" is what makes the lives of those listed in the Genoa City social register so fascinating. Their lives are open Dick and Jane books so telling and significant and give us giggly guilty thrills as we peek into someone else's perversions and with few exceptions, thoroughly relate and connect such casual smirking depravity to ourselves. More

Thursday

Just how did Jill Abbott take the news that she was adopted and slaved her butt off to put two dorks through school who weren't even related to her? Was ballistic too strong a word? More

Like a scary little plastic C-cup rock-headed Mistress Skank Barbie doll, local whore Sharon Newman proved Thursday that alien life does exist on Earth. Caught nursing on her father-in-law's shriveled lips, the bimbo came to another screaming conclusion today that she has effectively thrown away everything she's ever cared about. More

Wednesday

"Oh, no. My boy! Please tell me you didn't see. Tell me you didn't," a weepy-eyed Victor Newman sobbed Wednesday in severe what has become of us rectal pain after realizing he had forgotten the first rule of getting into the pants of married tight-lipped women. Close the blinds! More

Dr. Olivia Winters admitted Wednesday she was risking everything sexual by turning over the news that Ashley Carlton is pregnant. A nice little baby will make a wonderful pawn in the Carlton war. More

That something is growing on her head, blurs her vision and affects her smell is no reason not to believe Liz Foster's adoption story. She's going to stick to the tale where her husband comes home one day, pulls a baby out of a grocery sack and slaps it into her arms. More

In a city where it's not uncommon for family members to have sex with other family members, even the most liberal of orgiastic syntactical toe-sucking freaks would ever reveal that they had seen their father swapping bodily fluids with their wife. But not Nick Newman. He saw daddy kissing the mother of his children and couldn't wait to tell the World. More

Tuesday

Y&R was preempted

Monday

"There will always be bad blood between us," Jill Abbott asserted just moments before the woman she calls Mama dropped the adoption bomb. More

Instead of saying, Jesus, this is about the fourth or fifth time I've heard there's something my wife should know and why doesn't somebody just freaking tell me, Brad Carlton said he'd "try" to tell his wife whatever it was she should know but wasn't being told and nobody was asking. More

Aware that the pain pills and booze had sucked him into Sharon Newman's void and exposed him to her rancid celery breath, Victor Newman told his daughter-in-law that spreading her legs each time something doesn't go her way is not the answer. More