Week of 01.27.03

Friday

C'mere and sit on mama's lap, a wild-eyed Sharon Newman wished, patting her cellulite thighs and clearly flying high on yet another antisocial coffee bean bender, glaring over at her father-in-law and making him all giggly and sweaty in places you don't even want to imagine in your worst hell-spawned nightmare. More

Paramedics rolled an unconscious Ashley Carlton into Genoa City's infamous Center 4 Disease emergency room here Friday after the notorious cancer patient and sperm thief suffered what was said to be nothing more than a severe case of morning sickness. More

Thursday

What more proof does Nick Newman need that his estranged wife is a whore? Sharon Newman rubbed the reality it in his face Thursday by moving and gyrating spontaneously like a love goddess on ecstasy in plain view of their coffee house by day, club for all ages by night employees. More

Oh lord, say it ain't so. Say that a pack of zit-covered college bound teenagers won't be hired on to reprise their roles as oily Glow Worms at the once defunct, but recently resurrected from the corporate grave, Glow by Jabot boutique. More

Who would have ever thought the stealing of sperm, the impregnation of days old sticky stuff carried around for even more days in her purse could have caused Ashley Carlton so much pain and suffering? Trapped in a vortex of endless lies, her husband porking her best and only friend, she's pulling out every trick in the book to perpetuate the deception and the constant nagging question; what's to become of the poor precious children? More

Wednesday

Iconic wannabe college student smut-dolls ruining the self image of millions of dedicated students who actually go to class and try to make something of themselves, Genoa City local teens agonized Wednesday over how to tell their parents they plan on living together under one roof. More

Taking one step forward toward putting an end to a marriage that never should have been, Sharon Newman took five steps backwards on Wednesday when she begged her father-in-law, Don't fail me now." More

Tuesday

Facing up to the fact it's about damn time karma slapped his flabby ass, detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams confessed Tuesday that he cheated on his wife with the woman who used to be his wife whom he previously cheated on with his current wife. It's a sad tale these morally bankrupt people in Genoa City weave. More

Monday

What happened Monday at the Newman ranch just goes to show what happens when avenging hunkmonkeys, ex-cons, and rich jerks form a coalition to nab brainless Frito banditos when collectively they lack the brainpower to change a flat tire. More

Knowing Gina Roma is part of the vast conspiracy to poison the planet and serves only chemically injected beef and force-fed chicken, but damn them fries is tasty, why hasn't John Abbott learned that eating at the RoadKill Cafe is clogging his aorta? More

Using his cute little flabby rug rat as a bargaining chip, Jack Abbott will sit quietly in a corner somewhere and wonder why he feels so lost and helpless and devoid of soul if its learned the boy's mother is pregnant again with his baby. More

Week of 01.20.03

Friday

Diane Jenkins' latest assault on pop culture sensibilities had her advising Jack Abbott this week that babies should be kept inside and taken immediately to their doctors for the treatment of nonexistent colds. More

Thursday

As Victor Newman considers hiring bodyguards to shadow her every move, Victoria Newman returned to the fetish dungeon she once shared with hunkmonkey Diego Guittierez to learn his mission would come to a head that very night. The Frito banditos would wreak no more havoc on drug-taking children or wannabe bag men for the mob. More 

Idiocy runs rampant as smirky PI tries to gloss over egregious act. More

In violation of her husband's order prohibiting the continued vendetta against Diane Jenkins, snoop-dog Phyllis Abbott returned to the seedy Olive Pit bar Thursday as everyone burst into chortling demon-like laughter because it was just so damn stupid and obvious. More

Wednesday

Sensing an impending mess in his pants, detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams grabbed Phyllis Abbott and away they went like raw sewage pouring into the Genoa City River on a rainy day when Olive Pit bar patrons began getting rowdy. More

Word is traveling along the Genoa City News grapevine of a top-secret, block busting front-burner story involving Jill Abbott, her soon to return from parts unknown mama, Liz Foster Brooks and dotty dowager mausoleum matriarch Katherine Chancellor Sterling! More

Brad and Ashley Carlton's secret safe, there will be no further regurgitating of the I was a sperm-stealing dyke fiasco where Victor Newman is concerned. There will be no charges of betrayal and deceit coming this time from Newman until maybe his daughter finds out she's a Newman or one of the evil Winters sisters accidentally lets it slip or purposely won't be satisfied until Father Times knows the awful truth which you really shouldn't think about too much lest you become instantly and not-so-slightly nauseated at the whole thing. More

Tuesday

The weight of the world on his weak shoulders, manicured male mannequin Brad Carlton snivels and whines over his wife's sperm stealing activity, but fails to mention he banged her best friend. More

Department store magnate Lauren Fenmore promises only genuine Glow products will be sold at the infamous Glow by Jabot boutique the mere mention of which dredges up nightmares of oily, pizza-faced, zit covered teens milling around. More

Why do women like Nikki Newman exist? Mostly because they're all a bunch of sniveling guilt-ridden missionary-position closet chronic whiners who really hate themselves. More

Cramming her uptight little interpretation of the law down everyone's throat straight past the gag reflex, Phyllis Abbott struck out again Tuesday at arson victim Diane Jenkins vowing, "after what that bitch did to me I want her to die." More

Monday

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the biggest, murderous, sperm-stealing, hate-crazed, violence-hungry, soulfully inscrutable, and looking like a sad cross between the homely HSN cosmetics saleslady and a mortician trying not to get too agitated lest her other vaginal birth canal clogs up making it impossible to have natural birth and urging the demise of Diane Jenkins? The same woman who on May 23, 2002 said she would "take that bitch down" and flushed the toilet scalding Jenkins with hot water. More

Worried that Larry Warton might see himself as sexually harassed and would sic the lawyers on her again, Jill Abbott made a feeble attempt at convincing Larry that a little sex at the office never hurt nobody and she'd really like to get down on her knees and take his big dog for a walk. More

Look, over there, it's Nikki and Victor Newman, standing just offstage, snickering and shaking their heads at Ashley Carlton. Yeah, we're going to take your baby and sell her on the black market! More

Week of 01.13.03

Friday

Like a sheep being led to the slaughter, Sharon Newman put yenta Katherine Sterling's not too brilliant idea in motion and almost immediately sustained severe collateral damage when the plan blew up in her face. More

Once aspiring to become part of the inbreeding Winters family crud and aiming to be associated with some of the filthiest people alive, psycho-monkey Wes Carter announced Friday his decision to leave Genoa City. More

Thursday

As if it is her personal goal in life to know every little detail about every little thing she perceives as a threat, Nikki Newman pulled out the oldest trick in the book. Bawling and letting snot drip from her nose and over the top of her upper lip. More

So incredibly worried that news of the horrendous act she committed might start spreading like wild fire, the amazing Ashley Carlton finally got off her fat ass Thursday and took what she must have thought in her twisted mind was decisive action. But along the way she made a wrong turn. More

Wednesday

Licking her lips and whispering to herself, Dru Winters told her evil bitch sister Wednesday not to let Brad Carlton get away and in a terrifying act of utter disdain, instructed Olivia Winters to get back into the sack. "Lay it on thick. Show him what you can do," she twitched. More

Striking a blow against hope he resolved this year to give up his hypocritical ways, and a weasel who should be polishing Satan's fleet of Hummers instead of prying into his sister's every bowel movement, Jack Abbott thought only for a split-second Wednesday how absolutely repulsive it is that Ashley Carlton had the audacity to steal another man's sperm. More

Tuesday

Sharon Newman may have stumbled onto what she thinks is the perfect plan to get her husband back, but she never thought in her wildest dreams how nice life might be with Papa Newman. More

When Olivia Winters knew the coast was clear, that evil bitch - for which there are no other words to describe a hateful, illiterate who lives in a box with her stunted son and combs her wig with a plastic fork - coughed up some phlegm and rushed off to the Genoa City Hotel where she presented it to Brad Carlton as a prelude to the screeches of colon-clenching pain to come. More

Monday

It's getting so it's nearly impossible to follow which drug dealing monster or which convicted lying felon or which mysterious pro-corporate stable boy is heading what major sinister plot. Who would have thought that all these years the great Victor Newman has been supplementing his income by selling meth? Is it true or just delusions of grandeur? More

Overload the collective gag reflex with enough reckless and shockingly irresponsible decisions any one of which would, by itself, offend and appall anyone with a cognitive pulse, and they all simply become a numbing swirl of indecipherable atrocities. So what if Victor Newman's sperm created Ashley Carlton's baby? It's too late now to do anything about it short of killing the kid. So why can't these imbeciles get past it, move on and stop their silly warmongering? More

Perusing through the personals ads, Brock Reynolds was thinking back to those long nights in Louisiana with Billy Abbott when Mac Browning interrupted to run a decision up his flagpole. More

Week of 01.06.03

Friday

When Nikki Newman said she's going to make her life with Victor Newman even more miserable by becoming an even more nosy, meddlesome, gabby, gossipy busy-body, it only exasperated this senseless battle of the ingrates. More

You're a Frito bandito. You and your partner in crime have just finished terrorizing the local Guittierez brothers, left your fingerprints all over the shack where you held everyone at gunpoint, didn't bother to wear a mask so that you could be easily identified, committed the crimes of kidnapping, assault and battery and a laundry list of other crimes during which you used a firearm. Now, what do you do? More

Thursday

A Michael Kelly report
Inconsequential conversations
Like little ice picks jabbing at your last nerve, the wimpheads in Genoa City are spewing absurd bile making absolutely no sense. More

Shouldn't a noted bunion on the heel of big business like Victor Newman be concerned that his secretary, last thought to be Connie "Cornball" Wayne, just ups and goes off to potty without giving the great man a buzz on his intercom in the event he might want to lock the door to keep out any rift-raft that might blow in? More

The Sugar Shack hostage crisis came to an end on Thursday. Not with a hail of gunfire and two members of the Guittierez family clinging to life, but rather with the help of crime busters Billy Abbott and Larry 'Wartman' Warton, all involved escaped with their meaningless lives intact. More

Away for only a few weeks at the prestigious, said to be located somewhere in Illinois, but very hard to find Northwestern University where she studies Bestiality, mother-hater Mac Browning took another step Thursday in the long process of obtaining permission to return to her old stomping grounds. More

Wednesday

Within moments of suggesting that former employee Larry Warton be re-hired and given an even more prestigious job, Jabot Cosmetics founder John 'Yawn' Abbott began waffling. More

Does Nikki Newman harbor a secret desire to have sex with Diego Guittierez? What else could explain her repulsive aspiration that the 'restless' man move into the Newman tacky room? More

Mac Browning feels Billy Abbott's prurient pain. Is not dumbass teen sex part of learning too? Should she hasten to deny it and wring her hands and say, oh, I can't, forcing him to join Masturbate for Peace? More

Tuesday

That Jabot Cosmetics founder John Abbott is surrounded daily by uptight, humorless, lube-less drones could only explain why he sunk ever so briefly into the slimy gutter on Tuesday. His inability to see his toes for the past decade and his deep love of all things impotence-causing and colon-blocking may have played a part too when he suggested Larry Warton be re-hired. More

Even the dumbest person on the planet knows one thing; don't leave motel receipts in the bottom of duffel bags. Doing so will surely have the When You Ride with Osama You Ride Alone bandits knocking on the door demanding the return of something belonging to them. More

Monday

With all the confusion and the many stab wounds in her back, Ashley Carlton has become so shaken and stirred she can't remember whether her husband knows that Victor Newman doesn't know that he's the father of yet another Genoa City kid. More

For all its belligerence, the reference to Michael Baldwin's loss of his license to practice law boggles the mind. Are quasi-religious group from Madison going around warning lawyers not to represent women like Diane Jenkins because she's considered evil and that defending her is the same as rewarding evil? More