Week of 02.23.04

Friday

Taking time out this week from super-sleuthing and strumming his weenie, lover-boy J.T. Hellstrom did some work for Satan by swapping a load of spit with his best pal's girl! Talk about your immoral disgusting sodomites. Hellstrom's act was a giant well-manicured middle finger to the pro-family believers. God forbid anyone might want to love and honor each other till death do them part in this city. More

Just a little pissed that he can't convince more consumer drones to cake more of his company's massively highly toxic chemically blasted reeking karmatically soiled cosmetics on their shriveled bodies, Jabot CEO Jack Abbott has a plan to deal with Ashley Carlton should she stand her ground and put an end to the company's dead orchid project. The insipid Dru Winters is her name. More

Thursday

In desperate need of a plush job so that she can strut around Genoa City acting all important and powerful, unskilled and unemployed back-stabbing rich bitch Phyllis Abbott was shocked to learn this week that the job she gave up on January 7 is not being held open just for her. More

Washed-up rock star Danny Romalotti and his mealy-mouthed dunderhead sister, Gina Roma, concluded this week that his "son" and her "nephew" Daniel, is holding a grudge against his biological mother and is in need of some serious therapy when it is they who have done everything imaginable to poison the angry teen's mind. More  See also: Who's The Daddy?

Wednesday

If this weren't loopy Genoa City there is no way a perceived white collar crime victim would be allowed to influence the judge into handing down a stiffer sentence when such sentences are prescribed by law. So what was Victor Newman thinking this week when he entertained the idea of taking out nemesis Jack Abbott? Is the great man losing his mind? More

The whereabouts of her son Phyllis Abbott thinks about for five minutes twice a year and then quickly forgets when more important matters like going to Japan to smuggle orchids take priority was foremost in Abbott's mind again on Wednesday when the man who took Daniel Romalotti Jr., out of the country illegally said the boy will be in Genoa City soon. More

Tuesday

Police won't comment on the methodology employed to find clues in the Cameron Kirsten case but detective Hank Weber said on Tuesday that an eyewitness has identified Sharon Newman as the woman seen asking questions about the missing Kirsten. The witness was extremely descriptive and provided a police sketch artist with enough details of Newman's likeness as to leave no doubt it was Newman. Where exactly Newman was seen asking questions or who she was asking remains hush-hush. More

If going bonkers means more people in Genoa City will stop doing the crazy things they do then by all means let the madness rage on! In a stunning shock to the heart of Genoa City's soulless conscience, Jabot Cosmetics skunk oil sniffer Ashley Carlton called Tuesday for an end to the company's dead orchid project. More

Much to his overall sinister glee, Jabot Cosmetics CEO Jack Abbott made what may have been the worst decision of his miserable business career on Tuesday when the greedy purveyor of toxic skin care products turned down a 75-million dollar offer to settle a claim against Newman Enterprises. More

Monday

Genoa City private investigator Paul Williams was skeptical of a report out Monday that most persecuted and "dangerous" person Kevin Fisher was battered as a child. Still smarting from a failed attempt to solve a case, Williams showed no empathy toward those who have experienced the hell of living with abusive parents and swore he'll take Fisher down if it's the last thing he does. More

If skanky mothers acting jumpy and keeping secrets irk pseudo-adult Cassie Newman, the 12-year-old will surely have a major conniption fit when she hears people say that her brother may be gay. What else can be made of a little boy clapping his hands and chanting paddycake, paddycake, baker's man, bake me some cupcakes as fast as you can? More

Week of 02.16.04

Friday

Security guards patrolling the sprawling Newman ranch because residents there live in constant fear and how sad it must be living in an armed fortress, reported overnight that they were alerted to a possible prowler on the property. More

The concept of a real family living in Genoa City happily ever after under the same roof gathered around the breakfast table asking each other how their day went is so alien it makes souls curdle. But that's exactly what Judge Arthur Hendricks says he wants now that the truth has come out that Jill Abbott is his daughter and Katherine Sterling is her mother. More

In what has to be the dumbest mangling of the law since the dizzy Izzy Williams case, unemployed bookkeeper Kevin Fisher gave himself up this week in conjunction with the brilliant assertion by private investigator in-training J.T. Hellstrom that it is very strange indeed for a bookkeeper who was once an electricians assistant to be in possession of electrical equipment. More

Thursday

If not for the fact he had sex with Katherine Sterling - the result of which hatched Jill Abbott - Seattle Judge Arthur Hendricks should be asking himself right about now, "What in the freaking hell am I doing in Genoa City?" And why is a filthy rich woman back on the bottle? More

What's worse than American parents hauling their kids around in tip-over gas-guzzling SUVs and fattening them up on toxic super-sized fries at McDonalds? Teaching them how to play poker under the lame-ass guise of "Family Night"! The trend taking hold in Genoa City first became apparent this week when six-year-old Noah Newman showed off his newly-learned skill at school. More

Long after you went to bed because it was nearly midnight you wandered out onto the streets only to find that the people who were moving and shaking and acting all twitchy when you fell asleep never went home and are still running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Case in point: The most clueless, ignorant private investigator this town has ever known. More

Wednesday

As Genoa City's most clueless private investigator jerked chains, paid a late night visit to the God Have Mercy Medical Center and forgot that his woman was out with a psycho, Little Shop of Horrors owner Lauren Fenmore - acting like a priest in drag - was trying to get a confession out of Kevin Fisher. More

As if it weren't bad enough that Genoa City just got over one woman's wandering in a fog, local stripper Brittany Hodges has taken up the rant that a tiny scar on her face will mean the end of life as she's known it. Will anyone ever be able to love the skank, or is she destined to become the world's first elephant woman? More importantly, why hasn't anyone told her about the vintage Vanessa Prentiss who took advantage of the old saying, when life hands you an ugly face, make the most of it. More

Tuesday

Just like Jill Abbott, the once ruthless queen of Jabot Cosmetics who withered away into a helpless, aging, sex-starved woman looking for her birth mother, Newman Enterprises giant Victor Newman is turning into a flower child from the 60s preaching love and peace. As his days of freedom rapidly come to an end Newman this week took the phrase 'keep your friends close, but your enemies closer' to a new level. More

Management at the Genoa City Athletic Supporter couldn't say when the announcement was made over the club's PA system. The main event of the spectacular Valentine's Day Dance had been cancelled. More

Business professionals were shaking their heads Tuesday at the startling announcement by Jabot Cosmetics CEO, Jack Abbott, that the near bankrupt company will move forward with plans to super-size some 1,439 office windows! More

Monday

Carefully laid plans by Genoa City's most clueless private investigator, Paul Williams and Little Shop of Horrors owner Lauren Fenmore to catch resident psycho Kevin Fisher in an elaborate trap were in chaos Monday following a major blunder set forth by Oreo-eating Charlie's angel Sierra NoLastName. More

It must have been all the excitement. Neil Winters, Genoa City's second most falling down drunk, has apparently fallen off the wagon! The glaring setback took place Monday at the Athletic Supporter Club where Winters was awaiting the grand finale of this year's Valentine's Day dance along with other notable nobody's. More

Week of 02.09.04

Friday

Acting Newman Enterprises CEO Nick Newman, lost in a constantly changing hypocritical state of mind, has offered to put in a good word with the judge presiding over his father's upcoming sentencing.

Young Newman's latest waffling was based on an assumption that Victor Newman will no longer be allowed to run the empire thus paving the way for new leadership. More

Flipping through the Genoa City archives it's hard to find a case clueless private investigator Paul Williams has worked on that is any more laughable then the current one he's working on. Even when Williams tried to nail MariJo Mason using a tracking device made out of Tinker Toys which couldn't "see" through buildings cannot compare to the hilarious trap he, the city's oldest living slut Lauren Fenmore, the pack of leeches known as Charlie's Angels and PI in training J.T. Hellstrom have set for Kevin Fisher. More

Thursday

The cosmetics company known as Jabot was once a thriving business worthy of investment. With a line of products that could put AVON to shame, the company was a force to be reckoned with under the excellent leadership of its founder, John Abbott and 20-percent share holder Jill Abbott. That all changed when Abbott turned the CEO duties over to his son Jack who has run the company to the brink of bankruptcy with foolhardy schemes involving dead orchids and by hiring inexperienced and ignorant boobs like Brad Carlton and Dru Winters. More

The great Victor Newman, struggling to retain his title as Genoa City's most powerful man has expressed fears that a bevy of those he's harmed in the past will be allowed to parade before the judge whenever he's sentenced for the crime of placing toxic cosmetic products at eye-level on store shelves. More

In what can only be described as the dumbest stunt they've pulled since joining up as a team of wannabe crime fighters, high school students Lily Winters, Colleen Carlton and Sierra NoLastName on Thursday illegally entered the residence of local "psycho" Kevin Fisher and made off with something they think will prove Fisher intended to kill Carlton last year when he set fire to the RoadKill Cafe. More

Wednesday

Perhaps hoping that software giant Cameron Kirsten will miraculously appear very much alive and tell the story of how he stayed warm all those ice cold days and nights covered with snow in an alley by siphoning his own blood and drinking it, attorney Michael Baldwin this week continued what amounts to conspiracy to conceal a crime. More

An all points bulletin was issued this week to all liquor stores in the Genoa City metro area. Requests for the delivery of alcoholic beverages to 12 Foothill Road are to be denied. Severe penalties will be handed down to those stores failing to comply. Please direct all questions regarding this matter to Mrs. Jill Abbott. More

Tuesday

Members of the Carlton/Abbott clan were elated this week when once snippy, out of control, dope smoking Colleen Carlton "aced" her driver's test, even managed to parallel park and said she couldn't wait to get out on the highway looking for adventure. But before the 17-year-old could get too excited her father had a lecture to deliver. More

If she weren't dumber than dirt Sharon Newman might have figured that Grace Turner's coincidental appearance at the obscure Lakeside Sports bar wasn't by coincidence. The horse-faced woman was biding her time, waiting for just the right moment to help Cameron Kirsten escape from the trunk of Newman's car. More

Monday

Aging rock and roller Danny Romalotti - who illegally fled Genoa City with his former wife's child - has fessed up. Even fans in Europe can't be fooled when it comes to good music. More

College student J.T. Hellstrom is expected this week to announce the failed effort to pin a crime on unemployed bookkeeper Kevin Fisher is on again. And too, high school students Colleen Carlton, Lily Winters and Sierra NoLastName are expected to reprise their roles as Nancy Drew wannabes. More

The only thing worse than savaging an entire city and murdering a man she perceived wanted to jump her well-used bones is Sharon Newman asking God for help. More

Week of 02.02.04

Friday

Members of the Health & Humans Services Committee at Genoa City's God Have Mercy Medical Center tell the GCN that charges of practicing medicine without a license are being considered against the city's most powerful man, Victor Newman. More

And thus did the cry go out, powerful and time tested by bankers worldwide, guaranteed to induce fear and ignorance and allow them to paint themselves as all self-righteous and ethical. Once again, Genoa City will be shocked and appalled. Families horrified. Civilizations will tremble. Churches will crumble. People will gasp and make the sign of the cross. Brittany Hodges, the city's first elephant woman, deeply scarred. Forever and ever. So very sad. More

Thursday

In a classic case of double-standards and hypocrisy Ashley Carlton - who has never been able to keep a marriage together and will forever embarrass anyone with any sense of decency and pride - had the audacity to say that when she admits to stealing Newman's sperm she hopes Mrs Newman's marriage is strong enough to handle it. More

Thanks in part to a crack-addicted motel clerk who thinks every woman he sees looks familiar and some good old dumb luck the very essence of stupidity, Sharon Newman managed Thursday to make a quasi-clean getaway after fetching the body she stashed weeks ago in the snow outside a seedy motel. More

Wednesday

Rumors are crawling up and down the grapevine that Genoa City's junior private investigator and sometimes college student, J.T. Hellstrom is about to add another notch to his sexual prowess gun by shooting the not yet seventeen-year-old Walnut Grove Academy student, Colleen Carlton full of icky white stuff. More

Former hedge clipper/pool boy for the Abbott clan Brad Carlton waffled back and forth. Should he tell the truth about his sperm-stealing wife thereby forcing her out of the thick fog? By golly, he would! No, wait! He couldn't. Well, maybe he should. No, can't do it - might be too shocking. Oh, if only he weren't so gutless. More

Nearly cognizant that returning to the scene of a crime a second time is perhaps the dumbest thing she's ever done, murderess Sharon Newman parked in the rear of the Seedy Side Motel on Wednesday and was so engrossed with thoughts of having sex and maybe wondering how Cameron Kirsten's massive thighs might taste, she didn't think anyone had heard her drive up. More

New information on the "accident" that literally shocked Gentlemen's Club stripper Brittany Hodges right into the hospital last week has operator Bobby Marsino saying that police have ruled the event as a deliberate attempt to cook someone's goose. More

Tuesday

In preparation for moving the dead body of software mogul Cameron Kirsten to an undisclosed location "miles away" from the motel dumpster where it has been stashed for weeks, a usually "jumpy" Sharon Newman was so calm, cool and collective on Tuesday she was able to have sex before ordering long-time ranch slave Miguel Rodriguez to clean out the trunk of her car. More

The fact that the real judge hearing the Victor Newman commercial bribery case has not yet made a ruling didn't stop Jack Abbott from handing down his own verdict on Tuesday. Never in Genoa City history as there been such unmitigated ignorance of the justice system. More

Monday

The day New York apple core Disgrace Turner arrived in Genoa City was a bad one for the killer of her platonic boyfriend. Sharon Newman knew from a brief discussion with horse-face Grace that her deceptive transparent one-dimensional character stuck out like a sore thumb and that Turner could smell a rat. Under pressure, Newman has said she may have to move the victim's body and Turner says she's not going anywhere until Cameron Kirsten is found. More

Much like Walnut Grove Academy where outsiders are allowed to roam the school for all ages campus and hallways at will, security at the Genoa City Hotel remains lax in the wake of 911 hysteria. Just ask Jabot Cosmetics sugar-mama Diane Jenkins. More