Week of 06.21.04

Friday

Suspected of picking pockets at the local 7-11, Newman construction site volunteer Devon Hamilton cried discrimination on Friday when he was rousted by the Genoa City Police. Thanks to his white colleagues who stood by silently, Devon might have been thrown into a gulag had Dru Winters not arrived to tell the cop that her husband runs Newman Enterprises. More

If it weren't for the criminal acts of his despicable, sperm stealing wife, Brad Carlton would have no reason to tattoo the words 'I hate Victor Newman' on his shriveled colon or stomp around like a gorilla on crack trapped in the past spewing dialog from 2003. Carlton wasn't believed then and he's not to be believed now. More

Thursday

Need a good laugh? Need a reason to get outside for some fresh air or maybe wash the SUV? Can you wait until the end of Summer? If the answer is yes you'll be well rewarded as the Genoa City News has learned that in just a few months Victor Newman, the great man now renovating an old paint store into a recreation center for troubled and snarly pitchfork-wielding teenagers, will be awarding prizes to the teen volunteers most skilled at breaking into filing cabinets. And while he's at it, Newman may also award prizes to those most adept at leaving their front doors open so that they can scare off intruders with empty threats. And if there is a grand prize to be awarded it should go to you for putting up with this nonsense. More

Newman Enterprises interim CEO Neil Winters proudly announced this week that nepotism is alive and well and that his wife will be heading up the firm's brand new Consolidated Cosmetics Division! More

Wednesday

Don't even ask why anyone, much less Neil Winters, would rehire Phyllis Abbott at Newman Enterprises when he knows up front what a two-timing back-stabbing bitch she is. This is the Genoa City way. Hire, fire and rehire uneducated, unskilled workers that don't need jobs in the first place and then threaten to sue when they quit without notice. More

How proud Jill Abbott must be. How Billy Abbott's skin might crawl if he knew his mother had sex with his brother. But it doesn't really matter because the end justifies the means. The incestuous affair has caused Jack Abbott to reinvent himself and has made those who once hated him literally love him. More

Tuesday

What will it take before Sharon Newman says, "Damn it! I'm sick of Cameron Kirsten just waltzing into my home whenever he feels like it. Why aren't those security guards keeping the rift-raft out"? Of course, it might help if Newman were to get off her ass and tell the guards that members of the Newman clan are under siege and therefore all visitors must be stopped before being allowed to roam the ponderosa at will. More

If they gave out Oscars for most convincing performance in a bad dream, Jabot Cosmetics CEO Jack Abbott would win hands down after the major tantrum he threw here this week. More brutal and horrific, Abbott's latest obsession with depicting every gruesome detail of the torture being inflicted upon him by Victor Newman is simply too ugly and debauched and convoluted to really understand for mere mortals, but if you just leave it up to your former step-mother and let her sort it all out, everything will be fine. This is the Abbott line. It has worked for decades. It is still working today. Blame others for the things you are unwilling to accept responsibility. More

Monday

How does an unemployed frat boy like Raul Guittierez come up with the money to spend on expensive cosmetics? What plastic surgeon is giving him medical advice for free and didn't Brittany Hodges say she's grown accustomed to her unstable scar? More

In a chilling example of malfeasance Genoa City Police detective Hank 'KGB' Weber essentially placed himself above the law this week by hatching a deal with divorce lawyer Michael Baldwin. Anything that interferes with such core matters as breaking the law will be overlooked and then forgotten when it comes to Baldwin's brother, Kevin Fisher. More

Pitchfork-wielding teen by association Cassie Newman demonstrated Monday what happens when kids her age don't learn. Never, ever tell strangers that granny will be home alone. More

Week of 06.14.04

Friday

A nasty hammer blow, a definitive curse has settled over Victor Newman's community service project. What might have been a positive message on the topic of ethics and values has been savagely and brutally destroyed in the most degrading way possible by a pack of pitchfork-wielding teens. Michael Kelly reports

God help Genoa City. The scary girlie-boy with press-on nails has reinvented himself again. This time hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom returns as a full-time private investigator working with the city's most useless PI, Paul 'Clueless' Williams. Will Williams rename his detecting & alarm company Clueless and Clueless? More

Observers are shaking their heads again telling themselves that they should have known a slimy corporate slug like Cameron Kirsten would never have gotten his hands soiled by performing his own dirty work. He hired somebody to produce a dead body for Sharon Newman to find that night she hauled what she thought was his lifeless body away from behind the dumpster. More

Thursday

Because she never knows when her young son may need to be cuddled and sung a lullaby, Gloria Fisher has decided she'll be moving to Genoa City soon and into her older son's small apartment where she hopes they can all become a family. But don't ask Ma to cook. She doesn't cook. More

Pity Brad and Ashley Carlton when they find out they're on the verge of being attacked by a giant marauding bug! The moment Christine 'Bug' Blair steps up to say she'll be representing Victor Newman in a child paternity suit the Carltons better throw in the towel. The Bug is a force to be reckoned with. There is no way they can win. The Bug doesn't lose in court. It'll be a bloodbath. More

Wednesday

Why don't they put a dress on Raul Guittierez and/or J.T. Hellstrom and just get it over with? Is the delay due to some in-fighting over who is to play the dominant male? The question was raised again this week following the latest episode of You Had To Be There. You had to wonder why the two boobs made no attempt to rescue roommate Brittany Hodges. Was it because they wanted the Sugar Shack all to themselves? More

Tuesday

More evidence surfaced this week that Genoa City's mob should really have spent more time watching the Sopranos before it went out to make a hit on strip club owner Bobby Marsino and the girl Marsino says is "all woman" but calls a "little girl", Brittany Hodges. More

What's that you say? The cosmetics war settlement issue was taken out of CEO Jack Abbott's hands long ago so why is he being consulted again? Silly goose, how long have you been an observer here? More

The Genoa City News has learned that one of the many forgotten police cases - those that are often closed when the cops give up - is about to be reopened! More

Monday

What have those crazy Genoa City teens gotten themselves into this time? Why are they trying to break into a locked filing cabinet and could they right now be inhaling massive amounts of lead-based paint fumes holdover from the days when what is now the Newman construction site was a paint company? More

Wherever Rash & Sassy Cosmetics honcho Victoria Newman is she'll surely have a major conniption fit when she finds out that the company she nourished from birth is about to be merged with the toxic cosmetic product Safra into what has been described as a "fantasy" division of Newman Enterprises headed up by a former spokesmodel for the competition, Dru Winters. More

A child first caught stealing candy knows better. Do it once, get slapped on the wrist. Do it twice, get a good beating or tossed into the closet for a few days or maybe chained to the toilet. That'll teach 'em. Why then would an adult, old, rich woman say, you know, I've got more money than I'll ever be able to spend, a daughter who wants me in the worse way, a man in my life for once, a maid who became a drug counselor overnight just to save me and not a worry in the world so I think I'll slowly kill myself? More

Week of 06.07.04

Friday

Sure, it's a nitpicking trivial question. But who in the hell is working these days at Lauren Fenmore's Little Shop of Horrors? Not Fenmore, and not any of those greaser Glow Kids she hired. These are the little things they don't want you to notice, but you've got to ask because if you don't they'll keep on taking it for granted that you'll just bend over and ignore these fatal flaws. More

Thursday

Who knew that while Lily Winters and her pitchfork-wielding pals were working feverishly to put Kevin Fisher behind bars and spent hours upon hours sitting in coffee shops slurping on $4 lattes and claimed to be going to school at the same time that they found time to go bike riding around the neighborhood? It's true! And now that Winters has set her jail bait trap for project worker Devon she wants him to go riding too! If Devon agrees he'll take a ride that's for sure, but it won't be on a bike. More

Think the stupidity you've read about so far at the Newman Construction Project was just a fluke? A sort of rough start to a major summer blockbuster of intrigue and shocking plot twists? Don't be silly. The convoluted, tromping blindly down the bloody warpath of insane quips and one-liners has just begun. More

Wednesday

Little dinkwad Nick Newman has done it again. With Father's Day right around the corner the ungrateful for anything boob has stuck another knife deep in Victor Newman's back. How proud he must be. More

There's an old saying: If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself. If you want your son to know the truth about the two creeps he's living with and are poisoning his mind about you, you can't prattle around issuing empty threats. You've got to be assertive. Take the bull by the horns, the bugs by their antennae, squeeze the puss heads until they explode. More

Traveling Indian reservation teacher Mac Browning, the little bitch, the teenage terrorist, the walking advertisement for tubal ligation left no doubt this week that she represents all that is empty when she stated she knows what it's like to have a mother from Hell. The statement was so outrageous and unprecedented and downright lewd and proves that Browning's tower of lies have reached the point where the jaded and benumbed observer is forced to either recoil and ignore and deny, succumb and scream and laugh, or, like Browning, just sort of stand there, wide eyed, dumfounded, blinking hard, looking more blank and confused than ever. More

Tuesday

Notorious for its boring summers Genoa City has already exceeded the mind numbing Glow by Jabot kid escapades of summer's past by scooping up almost all the kids in this town and throwing them into a construction site! It wasn't bad enough to just have these teens and minor children volunteer their services. No, the convoluted pretext that local schools- both public and private - are offering extra credit had to be mixed in to distract from any credibility the project might have had. More

As just about anyone with a functioning brain wonders why attorney Michael Baldwin would just accept as gospel police detective Hank 'KGB' Weber's decision to declare the evidence against Kevin Fisher useless, private investigator Paul 'Clueless' Williams seized the opportunity to maintain his image of all that is righteous and pure. More

Monday

Pounding on the walls and threatening to do something unnatural with a chair, crazy Kevin Fisher made a miraculous escape this week from the God Have Mercy Medical Center's high security mental ward for the criminally insane. Of course, that a male nurse left the door open helped. More

Think you've heard it all? Think again. Think the teenagers in Genoa City should all be placed on drugs? They probably should after Cassie Newman this week invited just visiting from Switzerland for the summer high school student Daniel Romalotti to join her teenage pals by volunteering at her grandpa's community service project for extra Walnut Grove Academy credit! More

Nick and Sharon Newman should know by now they can't keep asking the Devil to sit at the table and not expect him to spit in the mashed potatoes, but still they do it. These adult children in diapers continue sulking around and asking dumb questions like, what does Cameron Kirsten want from them? Doesn't everyone know? Men come from far and wide in need of Sharon's body. When they don't get it they seek revenge which begets revenge which produces these endless, senseless Newman tantrums. More