Week of 12.26.05

Friday

Writing from his sick bed this week, GCN reporter Brent Kellogg says he thinks Carlton should get life behind bars, but not for killing Tom Fisher. More

Thursday

Genoa City's only available divorce attorney Christine 'Bug' Blair pulled off what had to be another legal precedent this week when she had judges dancing at the end of her strings and granting bail requests without bail hearings and when the Prosecutor's Office had said there would be no bail in what clearly is an open and shut case. Ashley Abbott Carlton killed Tom Fisher so can we just get on with the trial please? More

Wednesday

Not as big or as brash as the one created Christmas week at the Jitter Joint for the dearly departed Cassie Newman, the shine established this week at the Little Shop of Horrors brought instant payback for its creator. More

Leave it to GCN correspondent Vikki Johns to notice. Of all the people who should be concerned about the Lauren Fenmore debacle, where is Joanna Manning? More

Tuesday

Following the shooting of Tom Fisher this week there remain many unanswered questions including but not limited to A: Is Ashley Abbott a man and B: are Kevin Fisher and J.T. Hellstrom girls? More

Monday

'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the Abbott Hotel not a single spirit of the festive holiday could be found when old man John 'Yawn' Abbott and his new bride Gloria returned from their 2nd honeymoon in as many years. The absence of so much as a pine needle or a piece of wrapping paper was the price Abbott paid for going on a honeymoon at a time when his family was supposedly in danger. More

If there's one thing that has been sorely missing in Genoa City all these years it's a decent spa and ritzy residents willing to patronize one are keeping their fingers crossed the long wait for something better than a gym where people eat their meals will soon be over. Meantime, in related cosmetic news, Newman Enterprises announced this week the stars of its cosmetics division will go on a whirlwind tour of the West Coast whether they like it or not. More

Week of 12.19.05

Friday

That certain residents of Genoa City would erect a blasphemous shrine to the dead just hours before the celebration of Jesus Christ's birth came as no shock; these are idol-worshipping pagans after all. If young Noah Newman wants to worship the dead, someone should sit his ass down and tell him the story of a child born in a manger and how Jesus died for his mother's sins. More

Thursday

There are no accountants or census takers keeping track, but if there was the phrase, "I'm going to make Tom Fisher pay" and any of its many variants as thrust forth from the mouth of Michael Baldwin would come in somewhere at 9,329,211 since Fisher's arrival in Genoa City. Fisher may indeed pay one day but it won't be at the hand of a limp-wrist attorney named Baldwin. More

Wednesday

Confused, lost, on the wrong page, left hand not know what the right hand is doing and some adjectives not fit for a family publication can only describe what happened the day, the very instance, whomever hired private detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams and his sidekick J.T. Hellstrom to investigate the threat against fashion magnate Lauren Fenmore's life. More

Tuesday

It was truly remarkable that after setting an explosive device aboard the Love Boat chartered by newlyweds Michael Baldwin and Lauren Fenmore, the evil Sheila Carter did not notice one of her victims sneaking up behind her as she was about to speed off in a dingy. But then, everything about this saga has been dingy including PI Paul Williams' notion: he never talks about his cases. More

Monday

If it's a major holiday, if it's been months since Noah Newman's half-sister Cassie died and Cassie's mother and adoptive father got over their grief as demonstrated by Sharon and Nick Newman's sexual antics, shouldn't Noah be through grieving too? Shouldn't all that basketball practice and awareness that Cassie is watching over him be enough to make a nine-year-old forget? Why then did Noah waste his time writing a letter to Santa and for Christ's sake, why did he give the letter to the teenager who, had it not been for Daniel Romalotti's drunkenness, Cassie might still be alive today? More

Is your job as a coffee shop owner not keeping you busy? Is your job as a skunk oil sniffer being outsourced? If you've got way too much time on your hands and need some adventure to fill the empty void, Genoa City's most clueless PI has just the thing: Become a private detective! Thanks to the Paul Williams School of Detecting now you too can learn how to illegally obtain credit card information from private citizens and in your spare time run guns. More

Week of 12.12.05

Friday

If it's one thing our gul-dang furriner friends in in the Bahamas and Africa and the Caribbean are sick and tired of, it's rich Americans coming to their countries and acting like they own the place. Genoa City's Victor Newman might be able to get away with it, but not a nobody like Michael Baldwin regardless of who his wife is. More

Whenever Genoa City's biggest slut speaks the word of God somewhere Jesus must shudder. He must cringe and ask himself, oh my sweet Father in Heaven, what shall we do with that woman? If the two highest powers in the Universe can't figure it out, we've got a suggestion. More

Their return to the Sugar Shack official, lust monkey Mac Browning forgot to bring along the one thing needed to make those rolls in the hay with hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom complete - her favorite pillow! More

Thursday

Good Lord, trying to keep track of who's living where and who's sleeping with who, is almost like Goldilocks and the three bears. Who's been eating the porridge? Who's been drinking the Kool-Aid and why can't GCN reporter Brent Kellogg get it right? More 

Just sit right back and you'll read a tale, a tale of a fateful trip. That started from a polluted Florida port, aboard the tiny Love Boat. The mate was a mighty sailin' man, the skipper brave and sure. Two passengers set sail that day, for a one week tour which might have lasted more than a day had the skipper not gone snorkeling and the crew gathering nuts when there were plenty of nuts on board. More

It's been asked: What exactly is a hunkmonkey and why is J.T. Hellstrom considered one? Is it because he's an adult male who likes 15-year-old girls? Is it because he's thought to like young, bare-chested boys and maybe small sheep? Is it because he thinks he has a "contract" to provide security services at Newman Enterprises or that he now wants to put the pork to Mac Browning in the same bed the girl he recently played daddy with had sex with Raul Guittierez? More

Now that it's been learned Ether Valentine has been washing J.T. Hellstrom dirty clothes all this time, GCN correspondent Vikki Johns can only imagine what that might be like. More

Wednesday

Rumors are flying fast and furious that a certain terrorist named Osama bin Laden may be moving his operation from Pakistan to Genoa City. The Wisconsin city is thought to be the perfect place for someone wanted dead or alive to hide in plain site, where sleeper cells never worry about being awakened and evildoers are free to conduct terror operations without fear of reprisal. More

Only in Genoa City could a woman suspected of being out to get one of the town's rich and famous residents manage to slip through the dragnet, follow her intended victim to Florida and get on the same boat without being detected. More

And so it came to pass that just when Yolanda Hamilton had a chance to slap her gracious hosts upside the head with a dose of reality, when she could have squatted right in the middle of their home and said she doesn't have to go anywhere, damn but what the drug addict said she'll be finding a place of her own. More

Tuesday

Oh God, what a day in Genoa City Tuesday was! Even before the news broke the GCN was in the process of reporting it. How's that for predictability when a mini-megalopolis like this is so filled with slut sisters and bitch boys? More

Monday

The big bang, the suicide bomber, the expected arrival of Osama bin Laden riding in on a camel to disrupt the Baldwin/Fenmore wedding didn't happen. If anything, the only things exploding at what was to be Genoa City's event of the year were the people. More

The last truly explosive wedding took place in 2001. Remember When?

Week of 12.05.05

Friday

Estimated at $20,000, the price tag on the Baldwin/Fenmore wedding included such things as the bride's gown ($6,000) the flowers ($11,000) and the cake more than $1,200. Impressive as it may be in these depressed financial times, the question is: why didn't wedding planners spend more on security? And when the vows break will the marriage fall? More

It's the story that almost didn't get published. It's the article that tries to answer the question why there's been little if any coverage of Genoa City socialite Sharon Newman. It's an example of what a newspaper such as the GCN keeps in the can in the event there's absolutely no other news to report. More

Thursday

At a time of great national need. At a time when the country is demanding Americans step up and do their part to help prevent terror and prevent independent thought and prevent boys from becoming priest and conserve gas and oil, why is the Abbott family going to the Baldwin/Fenmore wedding in a limousine? What's wrong with driving the family Buick? More

Do the men and women in Genoa City really wish they could be like Genoa City's newest couple? Do women look up to Victoria Newman and dream of emulating a chunk of ice? Do men look at Brad Carlton and think they must really start shaving the hair on their chest so they might one day be just like him and get jealous whenever Brad walks into a room? More

Wednesday

Who knew that all it would take to set Mr. and Mrs. Neil Winters off again, what would push them backwards into the pit of whining hell, what would cause them to squeal like angry weasels over a piece of dead meat, would be the slightest stepping out of the do as we say not as we do line by their adopted son, Devon Hamilton? More

Act 182 at Genoa City's little theatre of the absurd took everyone by such surprise even the GCN staff didn't get the punch line until hours after this report had been filed. Why, if junior-grade PI J.T. Hellstrom knew Frick and Frack were back in town, why, if the hunkmonkey knew that the evildoers were almost certain to return to the Motors Arms Inn, why didn't he alert Moe and Curley who he knew were in Jennifer Mitchell's' room? And why didn't Jennifer recognize Moe and Curly? Aren't their photos constantly in the newspapers? Aren't they regarded as Genoa City's finest bumbling boobs? Doesn't everyone know this? And what just married woman reads on the moon? More

Tuesday

Many of those invited to this year's wedding event between Michael Baldwin and Lauren Fenmore, worried at first whether they wanted to be gathered together in such close proximity given the danger surrounding the bride-to-be the past several weeks, flicked off the concern when it was announced part-time private eye and full-time hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom will be pulling guard duty. More

Monday

The first thing any accredited terrorist organization teaches potential insurgents is this: when in the act of kidnapping always know in advance where to take the victim or victims. The second thing is: do not ride a motorcycle if you intend to transport said victim regardless of whether you know where victim is to be taken. The third thing is: you must have the brainpower to change a flat tire before completing any of the above. More  See also: Frito Banditos Revisited

As the wedding featuring Genoa City's horror shop owner Lauren Fenmore and attorney Michael Baldwin makes its slow decent into the colon known as marriage, it must be asked: will they become the ultimate symbol of love and devotion between a man and a woman and what might happen if Fenmore's son says he wants to marry Baldwin's brother? More