Columnists

Archives

Ways you can support the GCNews

January 2006 Headlines

See also: News Tracker

Week of 01.30.06

Tuesday

The President of Newman Enterprises, semi-retired as Victor Newman may be, was nevertheless slapped with a court injunction when a sleepy unidentified judge right out of Orwell's 2004 - in which the government controls all thought - ruled Tuesday that Newman's wife and former webmaster Phyllis Summers may not even think about opening a chain of wellness spas. More

The acid tongues lashing away and wearing her down, RoadKill Cafe fire victim Colleen Carlton has again refused to go limp and wimp-out. Unlike some democrat afraid to stand up to those that would destroy the constitution Carlton continues standing her ground. More

Monday

Nobody thought to keep track of exactly how many times Jabot Cosmetics and the Abbott family have been on the brink of bankruptcy and the eve of destruction but if they had it surely would have set a new record this week as once again Jabot and the Abbotts find themselves in a quandary and all because of something one of the Abbotts has done. More

Because there's never any really good time to confess to murder, local divorce attorney Michael Baldwin has asked client John Abbott not to turn himself in as Tom Fisher's killer as doing do would make things worse for Abbott's faux daughter and Baldwin's evil step-sister and no, there is no conflict interest just like there are no criminal defense lawyers in this godforsaken city. More

Week of 01.23.06

Friday

The inherent need to be bad is in the blood of the Baldwin/Fisher boys. Michael Baldwin dabbles in crimes like bribery and conspiracy to varying degrees while his brother, Kevin Fisher goes for heavier stuff like attempted murder and arson. Like a weekend drug user Baldwin can quit anytime he wants, but Fisher can't. Oh, he can pretend to enjoy hugging men and kissing their rings, but deep down Kevin was born to be bad. More

The Writers Guild of America has made its recommendation in the category of Outstanding Achievement in Television Writing for a Daytime Serial. The awards will be presented on February 4 but in the meantime GCN reporter Brent Kellogg thought he'd embellish a bit on how the selection process might have gone. More

Thursday

Parked in front of Genoa City's Abbott Hotel since the day self-confessed murderer Ashley Carlton was released on "emergency" bail, the number of network satellite trucks has grown to five and the media whores have yet to get a story. More

Is it not just pleasing to know that Nick and Sharon Newman are going through another marriage meltdown? Are we now utterly charmed to death that this is the most invasive and appallingly mistrustful pair since Adam and Eve beat themselves with apples? More

Wednesday

Upset that the District Attorney won't buy the story that she killed Tom Fisher and just be satisfied to have solved a case and let her go because a jury won't convict, murder suspect Ashley Carlton this week did what anyone accused of a crime would do. She walked right up to Glenn Richards and scolded him for questioning witness and then warned her lawyer to keep his mouth shut or she'll have Michael Baldwin's license to practice law yanked. More

With so many of Genoa City's elite doing and saying some of the dumbest things ever, shouldn't someone be checking with the local insane asylum for available rooms? Yeah, but who's gonna make the call? You? More

Tuesday

Yolanda Hamilton should be on stage. There's one leaving Genoa City in about an hour. It should be a rail and Yolanda should be tarred and feathered for her performance this week during which she came onto her benefactor sexually and when caught by her son said she "got caught up in thinking of us as a family." More

As a warning shot rang out that Kevin Fisher may turn again to his evil ways if not everyone goes along with the ruse of accepting him as someone who has changed, Gloria Fisher Abbott demanded her son's main victim put aside her "differences" for the sake of family unity. More

Fussing and fretting over the possibility she could lose everything if found guilty of murdering Tom Fisher, Ashley Carlton says she's not worried. More

Monday

Of all the Genoa City residents who moved from the poor side of town to a gated community and bridged the gap between gold digger and socialite seemingly overnight Sharon Collins is perhaps most remembered. Eager as she was to become a rich Newman, Collins didn't make the mistake recovering addict Yolanda Hamilton made this week when the mail clerk found herself between a rock and a hard place. More

There were lots of oos and aaws and comments from the peanut gallery how much Colleen Carlton has changed and for awhile there the school girl's approval rating couldn't get much higher until she went and did something stupid. More

Week of 01.16.06

Friday

The likes of Nick Newman and Phyllis Summers getting it on in the Newman barn is one thing; doing it on one of the most holiest days in Genoa City is quite another. More

Michael Kelly looks at the pre-Emmy nominations.

As if more proof is needed that more than half of what the people in Genoa City say and do is, like their shallow lives, meaningless, here are but three examples of why they are wasting our time and why, once again, the joke is on us. More

Thursday

The report late this week that murder charges against fall on her sword for faux daddy Ashley Carlton will be dropped took some by surprise until they traced the report back to Genoa City's most clueless detective who's only motive for wanting Carlton free is so he might have sex with the Devil's daughter. More

It is the Genoa City way where duplicity and deviousness and deceit rule. It's a kick-the-bastards-when-they're down, lie-about-everything culture. If everyone seems to crave disloyalty and painful screaming family emergencies at the expense of a little kid why not give them what they want? Doesn't everyone crave a life like this? More

Wednesday

Overshadowing the resurfacing in Venice of her nephew Billy Abbott and the return to hometown Genoa City by her daughter Colleen Carlton to deal with the latest in a series of Abbott/Carlton family emergencies, New York City novelist and former pig girl Traci Abbott Connelly found the emergency so insignificant she refused to cancel a book signing tour. More

Tuesday

Willing to do anything to prevent the upstart of a chain of health spas for women which would in no way compete with the company he controls, and in fact might actually help boost the sale of toxic Jabot cosmetics, Chancellor Industries CEO Jack Abbott this week cut the business throat of the spa's creative designer and mother of his dead baby. More

With the announcement that murder charges against Ashley Carlton will not be dropped, the District Attorney's Office confirmed Tuesday that the handgun found at the crime scene was traced back to the Abbott Hotel by way of the City's dumbest private-eye and if nothing else leave no doubt that only 160 of the 12,000 guns used to kill people every year in America are employed in legitimate self-defense; guns in the home are used seven times more often for homicide than for self-defense. More

Monday

At the expense of the few hard working, educated employees at Newman Enterprises and Jabot Cosmetics who must scratch and crawl their way just to get a personalized parking space and a key to the executive toilet, it was announced this week that sometimes Jabot Webmaster Phyllis Summers may be first in line to snatch up the new title 'Czar'. And why shouldn't she? It was created just for her. More

Thrilled to the point of peeing her pants that the old man she married may never be charged with killing Tom Fisher, Gloria Fisher-Abbott praised step-daughter Ashley Carlton this week for shifting the blame which she said took real "guts". More

Week of  01.09.06

Friday

Nearly as bad as the overrated and much feared bird flu pandemic threat, the cause of what has been described as a bawling epidemic in Genoa City has been traced to a pack of sniveling little babies. More

There's a new report out this week that fat people aren't so frowned up anymore because the public at large has grown more accepting of the obese. But GCN correspondent Vikki Johns is worried that Abby Carlton may be on her way to becoming the next Sierra Hoffman. More

Thursday

Genoa City Police reported Thursday they were unable to find any gunpowder residue on the gloves of shooting suspect Ashley Abbott Carlton or on her hands. The lack of evidence to prove she killed alleged terrorist Tom Fisher did not lead to the dismissal of all charges against her and Carlton remains free on "emergency" bond to project a sense of horror onto her own daughter the latest victim of Carlton's neglect and caveman-like irresponsibility. More

A very "intense" looking Sharon Newman was seen praying Thursday at the popular Jitter Joint coffee house where a shrine was recently erected for her very dead and gone daughter, Cassie Newman. As other patrons remarked how Cassie's "spirit" has overwhelmed the Jitter Joint, GCN correspondent Vikki Johns wondered what's next? Lauren's Lane? More

Wednesday

If it's the 2nd Wednesday in the first month of the 2006th year it must mean crazy Sheila Carter is alive - right? First the wicked witch is dead, then she's alive, then she's dead, then she's alive. She's almost as reliable as a Timex watch. She takes a licking but keeps on ticking. More

They are the mystery people who don't want their kids associating with the children of the damned. They are the parents who feel that seven-year-olds are congregating under the school bleachers sticking pins into Abby Carlton dolls. So why haven't we heard more from these kindly folks? More

Tuesday

Amid cries from private detective Paul Williams that "No one is safe" until the crazy Sheila Carter is found, aspiring best-selling author Scotty Grainger on Tuesday was being poked and prodded like a piece of meat with a knife held in the hands of his own writing partner and maybe wondering to himself why there's never a capable PI around when you need one. More

There were those who knew when troubled teenager Devon Hamilton first moved into the Winters household he'd fall in love with his adopted sister and sure enough when Lily Winters returns to the fold she'll find herself torn between two lovers. More

Monday

Law enforcement officials charged with finding escaped California mental institution inmate Sheila Carter, and those in Florida and Genoa City looking to Carter as a person of interest in the attempt on department store magnate Lauren Fenmore's life, were embarrassed for justice as a whole this week when, without backup and without informing anyone what he was doing, private detective Paul Williams let Carter slip through his fingers. More

Seven-year-old Abby Carlton, in real time only four, became this week the first ever grade school student to become ostracized by not only her classmates, but cruel school students in other grades who are spending recess participating in rumor mongering and casting out demon seeds spawned by sperm stealing, murdering rich women. More

Week of 01.02.06

Friday

In what has yet to be described as nothing short of a miracle, landfill contributor, Little Shop of Horrors owner and magnate to the Genoa City's very own chain of department stores was found alive Friday and doing remarkably well for a woman thought to have been blown up on a boat, kidnapped, trucked from Florida to Wisconsin and stashed in the bomb shelter of a remote farmhouse with a natural gas leak. More

Presumably dead when the farmhouse bomb shelter she shared with Lauren Fenmore collapsed in on top of her, the once evil Sheila Carter went out in heroic glory. Had it not been for the act of a woman who realized in the end her enemy was really her friend, what does Carter's death say about humanity? Is it that we can all get along if we try? That hate is not the answer? More

Thursday

Wasn't the Winters clan supposed to be just the sweetest, adorable, perfect example of family values as anyone had ever seen? Wasn't it so pleasing to the eye to watch as they sat down at the breakfast table each morning to tank up on pancakes and butter and bacon? So what happened? Why is this family quibbling over the slightest thing? More

What's that? You've given up again? You're going to the library between 11a-Noon each day, leaving the TV off and telling yourself you've got more important things to do with your life than watch bad soap operas? What? You don't like Bizzaro World? More

Wednesday

It's probably for the best, and high school senior Daniel Romalotti will be a better person for it, but the way in which he came to be in possession of a Dear John letter from sweetheart Lily Winters was about as cold and low as it gets. More

Despite that the Abbott family has done at it can to keep the Press at bay, word nevertheless seeped out of the God Have Mercy Medical Center that aging auto wreck John 'Yawn' Abbott will be just fine and his granddaughter, Abby Carlton cannot be intimidated by the fear factor. More

Tuesday

One of these days the Genoa City News is going to do it. We're going to call a real private investigator and ask "In your pursuits of finding people do you sit around the clients' home or apartment making promises and vowing revenge? If you were pursuing Sheila Carter would you a week later be swearing you're the one to make Sheila pay? Wouldn't you feel like an ass if you did? And what's up the Sugar Shack fairies? Is that really necessary?" More

At first there was something about the scene this week at the Newman Ponderosa; something sprawling; something that screamed Gone with the Wind until, as Miss Vikki dressed for the barbeque and bellowed why hadn't Mammy picked up the dry cleaning, she realized it was more like a fart in her heart. More

Monday

Don't think of it as emergency dental repair. Don't think of it as some super-bonding agent guaranteed to plug that water pipe or air mattress leak. In Genoa City 'ER BOND' is not the name of the local bail bondsman either. Here, when it doesn't mean certain death at the God Have Mercy Medical Center, 'ER' means emergency as in emergency bond as in treating criminals with kid gloves or using kids to exploit their parent's sick criminal behavior. More