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by
Todd Brown
January 17, 2009
How on earth does Restless Style even stay in
business? Let us forget for a moment that it has an
absurd name and is run by incompetents. Their cover
stories and models grow more bizarre with each new
issue. This latest edition purports to feature
something they call "The Men We Love." Which men?
Billy Abbott, the cousin-marrying, freeloading
gambling addict; Cane Ashby, the former kangaroo
chaser/bartender turned corporate CEO/schmuck, and
local "artist" Daniel Romalotti who, well, let's be
blunt. He's queer. I don't know who the "we" in "Men
We Love" is supposed to refer to but it sure as hell
isn't anyone I know.
Then again, consider the women who do love those
men. I think Cane summed it up pretty good when he
told Lily any man with half a brain would want to be
with her. Yes, that sounds about right. I figure
you'd basically have to have a lobotomy before you'd
be interested in someone as stupid as Lily. Someone
with less than half a brain might want her too. But
anyone with a whole brain? Not so much. I think even
the Three Stooges would look at Lily and go "Wow,
she's not very bright."
What's with this dumb new book store everyone is
going to lately? It looks like such a crappy little
hole in the wall it makes even Crimson Lights look
appealing. Did we need yet another place for Lily
and Cane to keep bumping into each other? Talking
about Tracy and Hepburn movies like they think
they're the next great romance of the century? Tracy
and Hepburn must be rolling in their graves at the
comparison.
On top of that, now we've got Billy and Chloe doing
the exact same "longing glance from across the room"
shtick. Can't these four just get it together and
sort it out? I guess not since they haven't got a
brain between them. Even Billy, who is rather
obviously the brightest of the bunch, seems to have
suffered some sort of cranial damage. He told Lily
he knew of Chloe while growing up because his
grandmother paid for her boarding school. Except
that Billy didn't even know Katherine was his
grandmother until just a couple of years ago after
he married his cousin, and had very little to do
with the Chancellors, if anything, prior to that.
Apparently the writers need a score card to keep
track of the players on this show.
Jack sure didn't waste any time tossing out all that
tacky furniture Sharon bought. Good thing, too.
Sharon's taste in decorating isn't any better than
her taste in jewelry. Has she been borrowing Jill's
necklaces? On her first day in New York, she was
wearing something that looked like a six year old
would get out of a gumball machine, with sparkly
little plastic squares that didn't match. Then the
next day she was wearing more gold chains around her
neck than a rapper at the Grammy awards. It's a
wonder she could hold her head up with all that
weight given how empty it seems to be most of the
time.
Then again maybe along with Jill's necklaces she
also acquired Jill's brain. She seemed to piece
together pretty quickly that Brad wasn't turning up
by coincidence and that's something the Sharon we've
come to know over the years would never have
realized on her own before. I think Sharon showing
some intelligence is one of the seven signs of the
apocalypse, isn't it? That and keeping her legs
crossed when there's man around.
As if Adam didn't already look like he was about 12
years old, that Leave it to Beaver haircut sure
isn't helping anything. Nor is the fact that his
"lawyer," Rafe, looks like he's barely old enough to
be driving let alone practicing law. Someone in the
casting department needs a serious kick in the
pants. God willing we've seen the last of Adam for
now. I know that his sad, puppy dog eyes and boyish
grin have a lot of female fans practically lactating
at the sight of him but I've seen better acting from
piano playing cats on You Tube.
Good thing Jack was too busy with Phyllis to answer
his cell phone when Adam called him from jail. It
would have been interesting, though, to see his
reaction to the caller I.D. telling him he was
getting a phone call from the local jail. He would
have had to wonder if it was Adam, Gloria, or
perhaps that woman who was pretending to be
Katherine. What are the odds of getting a phone call
from jail and not being sure who it was from because
you know so many people in jail you couldn't be
sure? In this town, greater odds than you'd think.
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