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by
Todd Brown
February 21, 2009
It's an unwritten rule on soaps that most babies are
not born in the hospital. In fact, remote cabins
seem to be favored over the maternity ward for any
given pregnancy. But then again, babies who are born
in hospitals have a much lower chance of surviving
than those who are born in cabins, elevators or on
the living room floor, especially if the attending
physician happens to be one Olivia Winters, who has
killed more people than Freddy Kreuger. It was
therefore no big surprise that little Cordelia Kay
Winters Ashby made her debut this week in the
customary method.
But what I want to know is why the hell everyone
keeps going up to that damn cabin in snowstorms when
there isn't even any electricity. And how it
happened that the snow was so bad they had to close
the roads yet Roger was able to book a flight to
Vegas. The roads were closed but the runways were
clear? Or did it only snow on half the town? Or up
in the mountains wherever that cabin is supposed to
be? I guess that explains why they have a toboggan
up there. I have a hard time picturing anyone going
sledding though. Seems to me the cabin is used
exclusively for illicit sex.
I thought that ranger's eyes were going to roll
right out of his head when Cane burst into his
office and announced that he had to get through the
closed roads because "his girl" was with the "wrong
guy." Yeah, there's a real life and death situation
to involve the authorities in, right? Never mind the
pregnant woman giving birth two months early, Cane
had girlfriend troubles. That trumps everything.
Lily was supposed to be talking Billy through the
delivery but had to stop and sing the love duet with
Cane out in the middle of the woods. I was hoping a
coyote would wander by and attack them. They'd
probably just talk to it and bore it to death.
I guess Billy was supposed to be the villain here
keeping the big paternity secret and "stealing" Lily
away from Cane as though she were some prize at a
carnival worth shooting a plastic duck for. Can we
agree he's more than paid his penance now that he's
had to stick his arm up Chloe's cooch and turn the
baby around? Nobody saw that one coming, especially
not Billy. That's got to put a guy off sex for a
good long time.
At least Billy knows how to hold his liquor, unlike
his brother Cane. I counted no less than 10 shots of
tequila he downed at Jimmy's and still he was able
to walk. Most people wouldn't be able to breath, yet
alone return for another round later that night. And
I bet after he slept with Sharon he actually
remembered it the next day unlike Cane. I just can't
figure out how Jimmy's got to be such a hot spot
lately. God knows people should be getting sick of
the athletic club but I never expected it to have
major competition from some dark, dirty hole in the
wall filled with falling down drunks.
I also don't get why they keep telling me Lily and
Cane are meant for each other. Is it just the fact
that they both have an IQ score lower than your
average monkey? No, I take that back, monkeys are
smarter. Lily, for example, keeps saying she lost
her baby like she ever had one. It was an hysterical
pregnancy, there never was a baby. I don't think
Lily is bright enough to tell the difference between
"baby" and "no baby." Which makes it all that more
amazing they actually managed to get Chloe's baby to
the hospital without losing it somewhere along the
way.
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