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by
Todd Brown
May 9, 2009
Wouldn't it be nice if people in the real world
recovered from their ailments like people in Genoa
City? Like if people in comas could just wake up one
day, sit up in bed and say "Hi everybody, I'm not in
a coma anymore!" like Victoria did? Without
suffering from any brain damage, bed sores or loss
of muscle mass? Or if eighty year old women like
Katherine could really be thrown from car wrecks,
float unconsciously downstream in icy waters, and
slip and crack their heads on the ice without ever
even breaking a hip?
Likewise, it would be nice if psychotics could
regain their sanity in the blink of an eye, and go
from straight jacket to dinner jacket faster than
Lenscrafters can whip out a pair of glasses. Like
Kevin, who went directly from a padded cell to a
wedding reception this week. He must have gotten
dressed in the car on the way over. Shouldn't
someone who snaps in and out of lucidity that easily
be kept under close surveillance, perhaps for the
rest of their lives? Shouldn't they be getting
anti-psychotic medications round the clock? Most
important of all, shouldn't they be kept a safe
distance from any event where Ana is singing?
Because if just getting locked in a closet was all
it took to send Kevin over the edge into mental
oblivion, I shudder to think was Ana's singing would
do to him.
I tend to think that the psych ward released Kevin
simply out of concern for crowd control. This is a
town where at any given moment even its most
prominent citizens might be sent to the loony bin,
so they need all the free rooms they can get.
Certainly they've got Ashley's room all booked in
advance; with as many breakdowns as she's had she
probably has a whole wing named after her by now.
And Jill certainly seems to be losing her marbles. I
get that she's upset but I've yet to figure out
exactly what it is she's upset about. She never
liked Katherine to begin with, and she still owns
half the house. Doesn't she still own the
controlling shares of Jabot?
Then there's Sharon who, it goes without saying, has
been losing it for some time now. I think at this
point, seeing a therapist might be a little like
closing the barn door after the horses have already
run off. Or, more to the point, crossing her legs
after half the town has already made a playground of
her nether regions. Certainly Doris wants to lock
her away by now; it's one thing to know your
daughter is a complete moron but to find out she's
also a slut who's pregnant with a baby that could
have been fathered by any one of three different men
- two of them her ex-husbands and one of them her
ex-husband's brother - must have been something of a
disappointment, to say the least.
Speaking of the brother, what's Billy's problem
anyway? This guy hasn't been able to decide what he
wants since the day he set foot back in town.
Couldn't decide if he wanted Amber, or Lily, or
Chloe, or Sharon, or now Mac. And anyone who wants
Mac needs counseling; have you seen her lately? This
woman is so dour, the people of Darfur sent her back
because she was bringing them down. Plus Billy can't
decide what he wants to do for a living. CEO of
Chancellor? Jabot? Newman? I couldn't believe he had
the nerve to say he'd been at the helm of Jabot for
"all those years" that Jack and Ashley had been
away. Jack and Ashley were out of Jabot for two or
three years, tops. Billy was CEO for about a week.
Granted the company's always in trouble no matter
which Abbott is running it, but I think Billy's
sense of entitlement is more delusional than his
older brother's, and that's saying a lot.
And can we just go ahead and lock up anybody who
talks to John's ghost at this point? I had assumed
for some time now that John's many appearances were
simply a manifestation of Jack's guilty conscious,
but now the old guy is appearing to Billy too, and
once he even appeared to both Ashley and Traci. I'm
thinking the entire Abbott family should be moved
from the athletic club, where most of them live, to
the Ashley Abbott Memorial Wing at the psych ward
until they no longer hear John's voice. Or until
they all have a little dream and rip John's head off
just to learn he's really . . . themselves! Just
like Kevin and the Chipmunk.
Jack is crazy if he wants another baby. He couldn't
get rid of his last two fast enough. Heck he'd
probably be glad to find out it's Billy's baby and
not his. How many babies is Billy going to father,
anyway? Is he going to sleep with Phyllis next and
have a baby with her? Before you know it they're
going to have to open a daycare center just for all
of Billy's babies. I can't believe he told Sharon he
wasn't mad at her for "making a mistake." She's not
the one who didn't put the condom on, you ass.
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