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by
Todd Brown
October 3, 2009
Am I supposed to feel sorry for Abby because one of
her fathers died, her sister died, and her other
father may die? Seems to me everyone is dying to get
away from her, literally. I know how they feel. But
this is no time for a girl like Abby to be feeling
sorry for herself. Her dad's in the hospital and her
mom's in the loony bin. You know what that means?
"Party At The Newman Ranch!" Any teen Abby's age
would be having a kegger right about now. God knows
the security guards could give a damn. I bet they're
drunk as we speak.
Heck, Noah has the same golden opportunity here.
Mom's in the loony bin, Phyllis is in Switzerland,
dad's at the hospital all the time. "Party At The
Tack House!" Why, the entire Newman Compound should
be one big teenaged shindig morning, noon and night.
I don't know why Noah would ever want to be
emancipated from a family like this. If anything,
teenagers should be trying to get in. I bet they
could, too. They could just show up at the doorstep
and say "Hi, I'm your long lost son/daughter," and
any one of those Newmans would probably believe it,
because usually, it's true. Sure, they might get
wise to it after 20 or 30 kids pull the same thing,
but by then it will be too late, and all the DNA
tests in the world won't be able to sort out who's
really a Newman and who isn't. They never have
before.
I don't see why Colleen has to die in order for
Victor to live. Is there no justice in the world?
Why don't they pull the plug on Victor and donate
his brain to Colleen? Then Colleen can start walking
around with her hands in her pockets, looking down
at the ground and mumbling to people. Instead we
have what can only be described as the epitome of
the health care crisis in this country. See how it
works? The rich suggest funding studies and building
hospitals to leapfrog over others waiting in line to
get their hands on premium organs, and to hell with
everyone else. It's first come with money, first
serve in this industry, just like all the others.
Cash talks, poor people die.
The colossal gall of the Newman family to even ask
if they can have Colleen's heart. If it weren't for
Victor she'd still be alive. While they're at it,
maybe they can ask for Colleen's liver and kidneys
too so the old goat can live another ninety years.
The supreme irony would be if Victor also got
Colleen's vocal chords and inherited her crappy
Australian accent. But at the end of the day, I
suspect none of Colleen's family is all that sorry
to see her go. Sure they put on a good show, but
when Traci was filling out the donor form, she
didn't even remember her own daughter's last name.
She had it filled in as "Connelly," and as far as I
know, Steve never adopted Colleen. Her last name has
been Carlton for as long as I can remember, and I'm
not even her mother.
Good God, Victor mumbles even worse when his ticker
is on the fritz than when he's normal, and I didn't
even think that was possible. It's a wonder the
hospital staff hasn't already put a toe tag on him
and told the family he's a goner just based on his
enunciation. But the Newmans are ever present to put
their spin on it and explain he always talks that
way. I'm still reeling over the fact that everyone
seems to think this guy took a bullet or three for
Jack. That sure isn't what I saw. Patty was still
doing "Eeney meeney miney moe" when Victor rushed
her and she shot him. There's at least a 50/50
chance she would have shot him anyway. I know I sure
would have.
Timing is everything in the Newman family. It was
thus that Nick decided to announce to his family
that he was expecting a new bastard child by way of
Sharon. If Victor had been anyone but Victor, that
news alone would have killed him. But no, having an
illegitimate child with one of your former spouses
is a long held tradition handed down from father to
son, one that raised the spirits of everyone
involved. Relieved they were to know that even if
Victor passed away, God forbid, Nicholas would go on
in his place, spreading his seed to women like a
sprinkler spitting out water all over the lawn.
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